Her Morning Coffee

Before There Was Him There Was Us

vanessa evigan
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Watching my husband put a dish in the dishwasher has become one of the sexiest things I have ever seen him do. What has my life come to that this turns me on more than anything?

Probably the fact that I'm so exhausted and life begins to feel like groundhogs day. There's a lot more clothes, toys, books, burp pads, blankets, devices to be picked up these days that it seems my love language has changed. It use to be physical touch, and I think it's a close tie but come onnnnnnn, acts of service may have taken the lead since I became a parent. When my husband does the dishes or cooks me breakfast I feel like Maverick may be blessed with a sibling much sooner than we are planning for.

A child is a gift that keeps on giving. A child only knows how to love. If only we could all live like children, that is what the big man upstairs intended for us after all.

Before there was a him.....

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There was us.

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Without an us, there wouldn't be him.

A dear friend of ours said something recently that really hit home for me. He said "Sometimes me and my sweet wife fall into the habit of living like roommates and that's okay. When we find ourselves going there, we talk to each other about it and acknowledge that's where we're at. We don't try to fix it right away, we make some changes to try and get back to each other." Wow that almost knocked me off my chair. I had been trying to find the words to describe what my relationship with my husband was feeling like because our relationship is by no means bad, it's just very different since we had a baby. Roommate was a perfect description. I had a roommate and it definitely was not my idea of the perfect marriage.

When do you find time to be intimate and connect with your significant other when you have a child? I'm not talking only about physical intimacy, I'm talking about true connection, really seeing each other and hearing each other with no distractions. Bonding and talking about things that matter other than how many poops your child had in one day.

For us it use to be evenings. Evenings now?? Um, by the time I finish getting our son down which consists of a little before bed play time, massaging his feet & tummy with happy baby oil (I swear by it), changing his diaper, conversation time, putting him in his jammies, breast feeding him, then praying he doesn't poop again before he falls asleep which he usually does. Changing him one last time, and then finally rocking him to sleep which sometimes can take a half hour or more. The last thing I want to do is be intimate, let alone talk, I don't even want to watch TV. I'm certainly not the wife that shows up in sexy lingerie and is ready to go after all that. Although that sounds so nice and would make me Wonder Woman, I'm most certainly not a super hero. All I want do do is eat a fat biscuit because I'm always hungry, drink a large glass of water, put on my man-jammies, and have someone rock ME to sleep.

Mornings are hard because we're not usually fully rested and if we magically wake up before our son does, well, that doesn't usually happen, but if it does, we have about a 5 minute window before he wakes up and starts crying.

My husband works all day and is so emotionally drained when he gets home he wants to come in and relax, usually in silence, and I'm ready to talk and have a million questions and want to hang out so we are on complete opposite schedules. By the time he is ready to talk, I'm ready for bed. Finding time for each other is so important and yet feels almost impossible these days. I swore to myself I would always put marriage first but sometimes it does suffer. It's hard to find the balance and put your marriage first when you're a new mom learning how to balance it all or even a mom of two, three, or more doing it all over again! If you are breastfeeding, you are your child's life support those first few months or years, depending on how long you decide to breastfeed. Breastfeeding can feel like it holds you hostage. I'm lucky to have a good milk supply and I know the benefits of breastfeeding so I'm trying to go as long as I possibly can before I go totally insane. I absolutely love breastfeeding and I'm thankful it came easy for me but the not-so-easy part is when baby needs to eat he needs to eat and when boobs get engorged from waiting too long to feed, it can hurt bad and even lead to infection. I will try to snuggle up to my husband and then it seems it's time to feed again. I feel so guilty. If you are reading this have you ever felt those feelings of guilt? I should be giving my husband more attention but I physically just can't right now.

I put so much pressure and so many expectations on myself and my relationship with my husband. I find myself nagging and there are days I can't even control myself. I know what I'm doing and I nag so bad that I can't even stand the sound of my own nagging voice, but still, I don't stop nagging. I'm lucky my husband puts up with me and continues to be a loving husband with the amount of nagging I'm capable of.  Lately it seems I have a massive magnify glass on him when I'm the one who needs to flip that bad-boy around and take a look at my part. I find myself upset and judgmental when most of the time I'm the one who needs to make a change in my thinking and doing.

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When I come from a loving place with everything I do, we are better, everything is better. He becomes more loving when I'm loving, and then I'm even more loving, and everyone is happy. If there are things I wish could be a little different or chores I need my husband to take care of for me, I'm learning it's all in my tone of voice and that being a passive aggressive brat DOES NOT WORK. Thankfully I have a husband who is able to bring these kind of things to my attention and say "I would be a whole lot more responsive if you spoke to me in a kind and loving manor instead of just coming at me with all the things I'm not doing right." Wow I feel like a jerk.

My brother reminded me the other day how important it is to understand each others love language and how your love language can change over time. He also reminded me how hard it is for a man if you are constantly being told all the things you are doing wrong instead of getting praised for the things you are doing right. The more praise a man receives, the better he will be with you.

This all hit me like a ton of bricks. I can have a real tone or look on my face when I'm upset or have bottled up frustration. I usually keep in it and then explode all at once.

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It's a constant work in progress for me. Trying to come back to us, be kind and loving in all I do. Treat my husband the way I want to be treated. Working hard on this one because it's so easy to be kind for a few days and then slip back into that state of resentment and frustration. Also trying to give myself some grace in it all. Marriage is a choice and it's hard at times but it's also the most beautiful partnership two people can have together. Supporting each other through all the ups and downs and growing together is what it's all about.

Today I am going to be kinder, more loving, forgiving, patient, complimentary, and childlike. If I can practice this daily, first and foremost there will be a much stronger us, and our children will always continue to be gifts that keep on giving.

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