Her Morning Coffee

Been Too Long

vanessa evigan

Hi friends! It really has been too long. I feel as if I have let you down, maybe I have just let myself down. I started this blog to share fashion, beauty, and lifestyle ideas and tips with you, but lately I have been checked out. My last post back before Christmas, I promised for some exciting things to come and then days later found out I was pregnant. The news consumed me. Our pregnancy news came as a huge surprise. We had just come home from our honeymoon and I was ready to get back to life and sharing more fun lines and products I had discovered that I was so excited to share with you. Then when I found out I was pregnant, I was all consumed and almost couldn't get off the couch for the first two months. I can't even remember what I wanted to share back then! I had no motivation and felt almost a sense of depressed, lets not lie, I was really depressed. These feelings were hard for me to come to terms with because of course I was beyond thrilled I was pregnant, I was also scared to death and didn't think I was ready. When are you ever really "ready"? I think you become ready the day the baby comes and you become a parent but I'm not there yet so I really don't know. The feelings of depression and having no motivation to share anything or write, made me feel even more depressed. I didn't want to share my thoughts and what I was going through with anyone because I didn't want to seem ungrateful for this incredible miracle gift from God. But the feelings were real. Now that I have my energy back and the depression has lifted, I felt like sharing my experience. I wasn't sure what these feelings were until I finally shared with some other woman who experienced very similar symptoms their first trimester. They said this is so normal and they could relate. Nothing better than when someone relates to you when you are in a place of fear and thinking you will be judged. A wise woman said something to me that hit me so hard, she said "you're mourning right now" "mourning?" I said. "Yes, you are in a state of mourning, you are mourning the life you have lived, it really is like a death, the death of the way you were and now you are getting ready for a totally new and wonderful season that will look very different from what you have been living, and let me tell you it's magical and all worth it." She was right! I was totally mourning. That is what it felt like and I couldn't really put words to the feeling until I heard this. Mourning is so depressing too! I was spending so much time on Instagram looking at young beautiful girls in these cute outfits and traveling the world and drinking wonderful wine (as silly as this all may sound it's the darn truth) I was feeling this weird jealousy of these girls, who by the way are probably half my age anyway so probably the wrong gals to be admiring! It was like I was saying bye for now to this body, the crazy travel, my lifestyle I had been living, my favorite wine :) and beginning to think of what life will be like with a child. I will forever have this amazing beautiful life to care for and that scares me. Will I be good enough? Will I be a good enough wife after the baby is here? Will I still be able to travel and take our son with us and show him this amazing world? Will I be judged for doing it our way and not the way everyone else wants us to do it? All very real fears. I am now in a new season of life, dealing with a whole new set of fears from what I previously had. Many of which have stayed, but some that have dissipated thank God! I'll share one last thing with you because this is me being as vulnerable as it gets. My eating disorder has been dormant for some time now prior to finding out about our baby but I'll tell you that beast has come back in full effect. I have been struggling with the weight gain. I am making sure I am properly nurturing my baby because I could never be so selfish to make an unborn child suffer because of my disease. It is however on my mind daily, what my body looks like and what it will look like after birth. Then I go down a rabbit hole thinking how pathetic of me to even think about me and my weight when I am caring for another human that has no control of anything right now! Who is relying on me to survive! For today, I am just thankful that we are both healthy and I'm trying my hardest to embrace my new body and my new life and counting my blessings daily for where I am and how far I have come on my journey through this life. Thank you for letting me share this. I promise to share more fun style tips and products once I get all my ducks in a line! Let me tell you I have found some AMAZING new products in my spare time too and I will share them soon!!!!

 

This White winter duster is from Free People and my boots are vintage!